Introspection

A wise woman recently asked me whether I was shielding my own emotions from myself. If by being in this culture of suppressing emotion, I would in turn lose touch with myself. I think the answer to this also combines the emotional journey of being in the Peace Corps. I have always been a sucker for overanalyzing my behavior, responses to situations, emotional highs and lows. I analyze so much I’m surprised I even have time to act and react in real life.

The past couple years in Michigan I had actually been hiding from myself a bit. I was ashamed of my life, my lack of direction. I’d rather sit mindlessly in front of the TV or escape into books than have that internal conversation going that made me acknowledge my reality.

Being in Rwanda is sort of the same, for completely different reasons. This is such a monumental time in my life, with practically every facet of life being different than the reality I’m used to. Every day presents extreme emotions and internal struggles. As a defense mechanism I’ve shut down most of my internal analyzing. The less I think about all the change and struggle, the less I actually feel it. It’s like when you don’t verbally acknowledge something…then it’s not really there. I think this is calming my sense of overload. If I don’t let go and see that bird’s eye view of what I’m doing in my life right now then I can handle bit by bit as it comes.

There are obvious pitfalls to this method – Am I experiencing this time to the fullest? Am I allowing myself to trust the people around me and myself? Am I living in huge sense of denial? Will I recognize my full range of emotions again?

It also brings up the topic of the relationships I’m building here. It is such an odd microcosm that I exist in. For the Americans I am here with there is an instant bond that I will never be able to recreate with anyone back home. No one will completely understand what I am experiencing like they will. Then again, just like any first day at a new place, with completely new people, it’s a time to recreate myself. I can forget/deny the past and start fresh. It’s so tantalizing I may be acting too cryptic and vague with my friends here as a way to save myself from myself. Ahh and I thought I had shut off the overanalyzing part of my brain…