Insanity

I am going slightly insane. I sat in a chair at the guesthouse literally all morning stressing myself out. It all started when I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. Not completely unreasonable. You all probably have those days/every day the alarm goes off. Instantly my mind started racing with the laundry list of chores that I need to accomplish in the near future. My house is a complete disaster zone - cluttered and dirty with rotting fruit contained inside. Every simple thing becomes an issue that takes more brain power than you would imagine. Take for example the rotting fruit. Obviously I need to throw it away, however, the garbage issue resurfaces. I don't have my own compost pile yet so normally I would throw it into the field next door. Maybe it's only half rotting and my neighbors would eat it. But I don't really want to start a relationship of me giving them food for free, especially food that probably shouldn't be consumed. How rude to give someone a piece of rotting fruit! Better to put it in the field and a starving neighbor can fetch it from there, right?

So back to the guesthouse. I escape into my computer writing blog entries and emails in preparation for amazing internet next week at the training. Then I start looking over grad school information. I can feel my blood pressure rising and major life decisions are popping up everywhere. Why am I jumping two years into the future instead of living in the present? Why do I always do this - I avoid reality by focusing all my effort on something I can't even do anything about yet. This is probably why I took two years off after undergrad. Trying to line up a life after this two adventure will distract me from pouring my heart and soul into the projects I should be doing here. I've been bobbing along. It's time for me to dig my heels in and get to work. Easier said than done. I knew going into this it was all a mental game, mainly against yourself. At the moment, I'm losing but I'm going to refocus and remember why I'm here and no the answer is not to go on vacation and travel around for two years. It also is not allowed to be to make some great new American friends. If I'm being completely honest, I came for the allure of living in a new place with new people. Well, the newness is wearing off. Now I'm realizing that little voice calmly urging me to join the Peace Corps probably had more planned for me than what my limited perception could procure.

**This was written before I realize I would NOT have amazing internet at training. Darn.