Out of My Element

Perhaps the most difficult thing to combat here is the unexpected. Everything is new and different. The seasons (or lack thereof), the people, the culture, the gender roles, the speech, the work ethic/practice, the children, the physical contact, the holidays - everything is new and needs to be adjusted to. Just today I showed up to work to discover it was a national holiday. I tried to make bread only to discover that I had bought sorghum flour instead of wheat flour. Does sorghum flour even exist in the US? I had my water delivered by Francois and our two sentence conversation was only half comprehensible to me. I had to buy new flour but first had to discover what the word for flour is. I had to lean on three other PCVs for advice just to figure out why my dough wasn't sticky. These are friends that don't know my every quirk and mood like the friends that I've had for years and can tell quite a few stories about the past. I played ping pong today with a coworker and what could have been a relaxing game taking me back to the summer of playing every day in the McCuen's basement when I was 11, instead just didn't quite feel right because the table was inches shorter than what I'm used to. When I was greeted by my neighbors after work today, the second sentence out of their mouths was about how hungry they are and that they want some of my food and water. I could only respond that I was hungry too.

Lately I've been feeling incredibly guilty, trying to find a balance of sanity and purpose. I enjoy spending time with other PCVs or in my house watching movies or reading, yet I feel like I haven't earned that free time. Have I brainstormed enough, integrated enough, made a fool out of myself enough to warrant downtime? Balance was a lesson preached to me by my mother when I left for college. Study hard but have fun. Life isn't worth living if you don't achieve the perfect balance of hard work and happiness. So a little voice is nagging me now, called guilt. I know deep down I haven't tried hard enough. I know some of the steps to make it right but the complete list isn't even comprehensible to me yet. What does it take to bond with a community? How do I make the correct steps with every unexpected twist along the way? Am I only coping so well because I've been coddling myself with trips away from site, silly romance novels and Rwandans who can speak English?

and why do my blog posts always include more questions than statements?