Wedding Bells

I have arrived at site at the height of wedding season. Just like in the States, summer is prime time for everyone to make public displays of their lifelong commitment. Since living here for 3 months, I have attended one dowry ceremony and 2 wedding receptions. So I'm going to explain the many layers of ceremony that make up a complete wedding celebration in Rwanda.

First, you have the dowry ceremony. That's right I said dowry. This is my rudimentary understanding of how it happens. It the traditional ceremony that has survived all the modern changes in Rwanda. It is held at the house of the bride aka her parents' house. The bride, her bridesmaids and many other ladies in waiting help in the ceremony. The groom and his family show up. The bride is hidden in the house at this point. All the women are wearing traditional dress. The bride's family acts completely put out by the groom's family showing up. They always come up with excuse of why they are not available. Eventually they are convinced to speak to the groom's family. They barrage the groom with questions. The groom must answer all of them. They are not given to him ahead of time but he can assume what will be asked of him. He must have a sufficient answer to all the questions. I have heard that the groom can be turned away if he doesn't answer well enough, but I believe it is rare. I would equate this part to when a groom traditionally asks for her hand in marriage from her father.

Most of the ceremony is a conversation/debate between the groom's representative and the bride's representative. Gifts are bestowed to both sides with the main gift being cows to the bride's family. The more cows the better. Since most city-dwelling folks don't have cows anymore, they simply simulate a cow's presence. Someone actually does a song and dance as a cow, sometimes even dressed as a cow. In other cases, there is a legitimate cow that makes an appearance.

Since I get many marriage proposals, being a 'wealthy' white girl with prime citizenship, I have developed a great tacit for dodging them with humor. I tell the guy that I need a lot of cows. When they ask how many - I go off the charts and say around a 100. This is an absurd about of cows that no one has so I'm still safely single.

The next ceremony is for the civil contract. Everyone dresses in their Sunday best and shows up to the government office. Apparently you can invite a crowd to witness this paperwork portion of the program. I have yet to witness this part but I'm imagining it is similar to going to government office with someone and watching them do paperwork…magical.

Then comes the church portion of the wedding. All of these parts usually take place on different days, sometimes weeks apart. The church wedding and the reception are on the same day however. This is when it gets boring. Rwanda is very modern in certain respects and their weddings mimic our own. The bride wears a standard white wedding gown. The bridesmaids are all wearing matching dresses. The only difference here is that they all rent their outfits. The men are dressed as men do. The wedding will then be dictated by the couple's religion. The church ceremony is standard according to the religion's tradition.

The couple usually has a professional photographer. They often go to a pretty location like a garden to take photos of the couple, the wedding party, the family, etc.

Giving gifts - there is no wedding shower or wedding registry. Most people give money as a gift. As far as my work place goes, the invitations are handed out by a third party - another coworker who isn't the bride or groom. I'm assuming that each section of guests has a representative that hands out the invitations. This person then becomes the point person for gathering the money donations aka the gifts of money. A list is kept and then the money is handed over. If you don't give a money donation you are expected to bring a gift to the wedding. If you give a physical gift, you must present it to the bride and groom during the reception. Each section of guests is called up and gifts are given like it is the procession line.

Backtracking a bit - The reception can be held a hall. In the case of the wedding I recently attended, it was in the church itself. Pews were moved and chairs were sent up. It is uncommon for a meal to be served. Usually it is one drink per person. Fanta of course is the main drink (did I tell you all about the new Fanta flavor - Fiesta? DELICIOUS. Almost like Faygo red pop and something else that reminds me of childhood. Some Rwandans aren't handling change well though. New Fanta is just too much). There is cake served but Rwandan cake is like none other. It is like if they take all the sugar out of the cake and the frosting and you eat it thinking its bread. There are many speeches and usually some young people are hired to do traditional dancing. There is no dancing for the guests. Sometimes there is a smaller party held at the house afterwards. There might be food served there and even a third location for dancing into the wee hours of the night.

There are wedding albums and wedding videos. There are flower girls and ring bearers. There is champagne and the cutting of cake. I really wish it was more exciting but Rwandan weddings are just like American ones…that is if you received cows as payment for marriage.