Guttural Guilt

Maybe it just comes with the territory of being raised Catholic, either way I have a great ability to feel guilty for events that transpire, whether in or out of my control. I'd like to take this moment to commiserate with all the people who have ever left home without looking back, until a few months time passes, and a grey haze settles over you. It stinks entirely like Guilt. For a couple months now I have had this lingering guttural feeling of guilt. I have left my family and friends at home. I have traveled half way around the globe. I have set up shop assuming something positive and constructive will come out of this. I'll admit, more than half of my reasons for coming here have been selfish.

In the meantime I have resigned my designated role at home. I have stopped serving whatever purpose I did in the family dynamic. I have to sit on the sidelines as heart-wrenching events take place. I have to offer kind words of sympathy or encouragement from a distance.

and what do I feel most as I greet my adorable little neighbors, as I teach my coworker a new word, as I look out over the breathtaking Rwandan landscape - Guilt. It settles over me like a wet blanket.

Is it fair to leave all the people I know and love to serve strangers? Can my love and dedication for what I'm doing here ever outweigh the guilt?

These are the things that you will never fully understand until you are the midst of it yourself. You can see it coming from a mile or months away yet it still punches you in the stomach with the force of surprise.

I can look back at me six months ago at the airport and try to warn and prepare myself… but I will still want to cuddle my nephew when he gets pneumonia or visit my grandpa when he goes into the hospital. I will still feel disappointed that no one's figured out that time/space continuum thingy allowing me to be in two places at once. I will still wish for the end of my service while simultaneously loving life here and now. I will still be a messy blob of contradictions coated with the slime of guilt.