Finding the End of the Rope

Life here gets exacerbated by mountains of tiny moments and stressors. I often feel like I'm going crazy. Meeting with other volunteers, we joke that Peace Corps makes you unstable. We commiserate and are only half joking. Some days I don't understand why my emotions are a roller coaster. Here are the factors I've come up with:

1. Weight gain/your body is changing and usually not in a good way.
Sure I've gained my freshmen 15 in college, and then my own unique version of the sophomore 10, but other than that I haven't had much problem with weight during my life. You can stop throwing tomatoes at your computer screen. I know, I know, I'm lucky. I've been blessed with good metabolism which makes weight gain even more of a disturbing revelation when it springs itself on me. Most people assume you lose weight when you come to a developing country. Makes sense on most logical fronts but you have to think of what the staples of their diet are. People here want to fill themselves up, even if its empty calories. So bring on the carbs. I eat more white bread in one day here than I would eat within a year at home. Wow, that's a disgusting fact when I write it down, but it's true. Add in some white rice, fried bread, everything cooked in oil and you've got a bad equation for weight gain. (It is common for PC females to gain weight and PC males to lose weight.) So there's a kicker to the ole self esteem.

2. Language skills.
This is a big one for me. I speak like I'm two years old. I've lost sight of improving. There's a balance of being ashamed and yet too embarrassed and prideful to struggle to improve. It's an ugly catch-22 that I believe will plague my whole service. Language is the key to getting in with the community, gaining respect and trust. I'm hoping to compensate in another area. Then again I'm really sick of thinking people are saying rude things about me right in front of my face.

3. Meds
This factor should not be discredited. For most of us it is the first time we have been this medicated. I am currently on two medications, which is two medications more than I'd like to take/would take at home. Somedays I cry for no reason or feel incredibly anxious for no reason. I can't seem to relax. My sleep is disturbed. I escape into any mind numbing activity that I can. I avoid people sometimes. I hide and isolate and feel miserable. Is it the meds? Good question. One will never know. I certainly never had anxiety issues at home. But would I rather get malaria? Hell no. and it is always balanced out by great days/great moments/completely sane moods.