Low Lows

I've been hiding from writing. The truth is I don't want to acknowledge my emotions because that would mean I'd shed light on them and maybe I'd even have to do something about it. I also don't want to worry anyone.

Before coming here I was in a tense place with my parents. We were constantly debating this decision I had made. I remember saying that if I stayed at home, safe and sound, and stationary, then I would lose a part of myself. That the choice was really between staying home and becoming a shell of myself or coming here. A year in, I'm faced with another fork in the road. Some days I feel that if I stay here much longer that I will irreversibly damage myself. That I will become too jaded or lethargic or just plain sad.

Sometimes I have thoughts like this and then I bounce back. I'm happy again. I smile and I laugh and I'm motivated and ideas are pulsing through my head. and then it hits me again. and I'm crying again.

Is this that year mark of dismal depression they talk about? I don't know if I'm willing to find out.

I do know one thing. I will never regret coming here. I will never regret the friendships I made and the adventures I had. I may end up regretting deciding to stay or to leave.