When Quitting Becomes the Bravest Move

I've been debating how much of my decision to come home for good is personal and how much is blog material. I do vaguely recall telling you all that I would be honest and forthright about this whole experience.

I felt that what was expected of me was unachievable, for me personally. My strengths didn't match the challenge. It may have been more than half laziness, but mixed into that was apathy. I stopped caring. I stopped trying. The last couple weeks I even stopped faking the trying. I was in a bad place and kept sinking into that bad place every couple months. I understand that my role was to build up the program for the next groups. Breaking a commitment doesn't build it up. But then again, neither does being an apathetic volunteer.

I've had the most exhilarating time of my life here, but also the most depressing moments. I have friends here, and those are the bittersweet moments. They have sustained me for this long. As many moments as I will miss in the next year of adventure as a PCV, I would have become more angry, negative and difficult to be around. I'd like to think I saved people from that.

I have nothing bad to say about Peace Corps. No organization is perfect and this Rwandan post is certainly aware of the bumps and constructively looking to fix them. I've been proud to say I served here. I wish I could have given more to the whole experience.

So I am blindly jumping into the abyss. I have no definite plans. That step after college of being unemployed and living with my parents has finally caught up with me. I suppose I will act the part of the cliche for awhile. But I know my time is precious. Life is short. Too short to not follow your gut. Failing gracefully is how I'd like to see it. As a wise cousin of mine once wrote - sometimes quitting is the bravest choice.

I'm sure my views on international development will shift, along with my thoughts on this entire experience, my role in all of it, Rwandan culture, the way I'm choosing to say goodbye, etc. But right now, I'm happy. I'm excited for the possibilities.

Because I'm addicted to blogging, this won't be my last post. I'll probably write up a little bit about adjusting back into American culture. I can't bear to sign off for good yet.

There will also, obviously, be a lapse in actual events and the posting of this news. Telling certain people before posting it to the internet world seemed considerate. Please don't feel snubbed if I didn't personally send the news to you. It was all part of my ploy to have a few days to lie low.