I Lied

I lied.

I hadn't even had my worst day ever yet. It came the very next day. It plowed me down like a bulldozer. I woke up that morning angry. I wanted to be home. I wanted a break, to refocus. I was so mad, at everything Rwandan, at myself. The only plausible solution seemed to be to pack up and go home. It wasn't even on a long list of other solutions. It was the only solution.

I was in such a mood. I couldn't see my way out. My anger and sadness was so powerful and illogical. I couldn't reason with myself. I was fighting a losing battle with my greatest nemesis, myself.

I've been ashamed of myself for many things. Not putting effort into learning the language. Not putting effort into my job. I have become some form of lethargic person that wouldn't even be allowed to stand next to former workaholic me. I used to look like the Energizer bunny on Red Bull compared to how I'm acting now.

So I went along with the mood. Fine, I'm leaving. What would I have to do? and the first thing that popped in my head was clean my house. I'd be mortified if anyone saw it in its present condition. It's like when your mom would tell you to put on clean underwear in case you get in a car accident. Oh, that was just my mom…figures :) and I thought of all the people I would owe a face to face conversation with before I left. and realistically it would take days or weeks to accomplish all this. But I was "reverse psychology"ing myself. So I made the list in my head and I calmed down a little bit.

But the next day wasn't any better. I was still more depressed than I've ever been here. It was so sudden and inexplicable that I couldn't help myself. and then the bigger complication reared its head. Shame. I would be so ashamed of my life. I spent two years working a regular adult job after college, having nothing to do with my field. I was still sitting in my college town while most of my friends had moved on. I was off the conveyor belt and I loathed myself. I didn't want to keep up with friends because I didn't want to talk about myself. It would force me to hold up a mirror and actually look at what I had become. I couldn't go back to that depth of shame. Everyone would welcome me back but I wouldn't welcome myself back. As much as I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be sitting in my parent's hypothetical basement more. But this was day two of feeling miserable. It came on suddenly so I was hoping it went away just as suddenly.

Then in the middle of day two, I was sitting in a district meeting with Fidele and he was explaining how some kids need to be taught to use toilet paper after going number two (actually applicable to the hygiene campaign we were discussing) and I just started cracking up. It was like in the Sex and the City movie when Charlotte poops her pants and the laughter floodgates open up. I just couldn't stop laughing. Fidele tried to chastise me but to no avail. I'd gone off the deep end of the giggles. Then just like that Rwandans stopped being obnoxious and started being hilarious. The way they cover their mouths when they take a phone call in the middle of a meeting instead of getting up. The way we get served Fanta at a government meeting. The way they clean their shoes if they are dusty. Hilarious and silly. and the black cloud lifted. Just as suddenly as it came, it went.

I know this won't be the last bad spell. The year mark is supposed to be the worst from what I've heard. and I can just hear the words I said during my interview - I'm not a quitter.

I'm going to quote a story another Peace Corps volunteer told me just in case it resonates with more people than just me. She was seriously considering leaving. So on her list of things to prep before departing was her resume. She fixed it up with things she had been doing here and then she just started adding and adding…all the things she had hoped to accomplish during the Peace Corps. She realized she could go home right now and delete all those hypothetical resume bullet points or she could stay here and actually do that stuff. So she stayed.

**I'm not trying to point fingers and say that anyone who goes home early is weak and should have been stronger. Not at all. We all have our own personal reasons for doing what we do.

This latest episode really scared me. When you can't rationalize and normalize your own emotions, it becomes frightening and overwhelming. So here's to another 19 months. and when it's all over I'll come home and say - see I told you two years would pass in a blink.